7 "Momtras" to Live By
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This blog was going to be called “7 Motherhood Mantras” but then I thought of “Momtras.” Get it?? You saw it here first (probably not – no way I just coined that).
Annnyway, I’ve been thinking about these for a while now, ever since having my first child more than 3.5 years ago and seeing some similar themes come up over and over again in the new mom world. Here they are…
1. You’re The Boss
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard a mom say, “I can’t do X because my baby doesn’t like it…” – well, I would have a lot of nickels.
Here’s a secret: you’re the boss! Babies can seem like tiny dictators, because they will cry to let you know they don’t like something, and that cry can make you want to do anything to avoid it. But sometimes we moms know best and have to push through the cries to do it our way or the safe way, and guess what – the baby will get used to it. This is especially important to remember when it comes to safety – if something is safest for your baby, just do it even if he/she doesn’t like it. If we succumbed to what our babies seemed to like best, we would be holding them 24/7 and letting everything else in our lives fall to the wayside, which wouldn’t be good for anyone.
So YES, you can put your baby down in the crib to sleep, and you can use a baby carrier, and you can put the baby in the stroller or car seat, and you can take time out to shower while someone else watches the baby or he/she expresses great displeasure from the safety of their crib. And you can leave the house. If baby is fussy, sometimes leaving actually helps because they calm down once they feel some fresh air and have new and interesting things to look at.
You’re also the boss when it comes to the many many opinions that others (both extended family members and strangers) will have about what/where/how to feed your baby or get your baby to sleep or dress your baby in for various weather. It’s amazing how a woman I’ve never even met before knows better than I do what type of hat my baby should be wearing! Try to get on the same page as your partner if you have one and your pediatrician, and block out the noise beyond that. (Sorry, Great Aunt Shirley, but we do not put babies down on their stomachs to sleep anymore and I don’t care if she will sleep better that way – that’s literally the point, in fact.)
2. It’s Just a Phase
This is another good one to remember, even now for me as a more seasoned mom. I used to get so concerned when my daughter was a baby if something seemed to be a little off or feel frustrated over something happening that would likely NEVER end because it had been going on for FOREVER (3 days). And then two weeks later, I’d forgotten that it was ever even happening.
Babies, toddlers and even big kids go through a lot of phases allll the time. It can really drive a mom crazy, because just when you think you’ve got something down and it’s all going swimmingly, they’ve pulled a 180 or something new starts happening. Here are a few examples that I’m sure every mom can related to:
The Witching Hour. WILL IT EVER END?!?!? At this rate, it seems like they’ll be crying every evening from 5 to 7pm until they go off to college, because it’s been happening for so long and there is no end in sight. (1 week can feel like 1 year in new parent land – and take 10 years off your life – the math does not add up.) Take a deep breath, take a walk, or pour yourself a glass of wine while humming “Twinkle Twinkle” continuously for two hours. Unless something seems really amiss and a call to the pediatrician may be in order, you’re probably doing everything right and there’s not much else you can do, so try to just ride it out and soon you’ll be saying, “The Witching What?”
Bath Time. They love it, they hate it, they love it again. Then they scream when you pour water over their head like it’s acid and their scalp is on fire. Wait, now they love it again and they’re fine with water over their head. Which one is it?? Brace yourself: this is still going on to a certain extent at age 3.5 and I’m still never sure how hair washing days will go. Bath color drops and a fun hair washing song can help.
Naps. The baby didn’t fall asleep for his last nap of the day and now he’s going to be overtired and nighttime will be a disaster and he won’t get the important sleep he needs for his physical and mental development and WE MAY NEVER GET BACK ON TRACK. Or everything will be fine and he’ll sleep great tonight and nap well tomorrow.
Tummy Time. Most babies hate tummy time at first. I would get face-down on the floor with my daughter when she was a newborn, talking to her and watching the countdown on my phone for when I could get both of us up. Soon enough (ok maybe a few months in), they will start to LOVE tummy time, and on their tummy is the only place they’ll want to be. When you’re trying to change a diaper or put pajamas onto a baby who is trying the whole time to flip around, you may wish they hadn’t come to like it just so much.
3. Development is Not Linear
It seems like once your child hits a certain milestone, it should all be uphill from there. They lift their head during tummy time – well the next step is rolling; and once they roll, they’ll keep doing it all the time; then they’ll start crawling, and sitting, and pulling to stand, and walking, and running; and then they’ll be trying out for the varsity soccer team. It turns out that growth and development doesn’t always progress in such a clear fashion.
I remember being so excited about how well my baby was doing lifting her head during tummy time, and then calling the pediatrician because she suddenly stopped, as though her head had become too heavy for her to lift all of a sudden. I mean, she did have enormous cheeks, but they couldn’t have grown that much bigger overnight. The pediatrician told me something that stuck with me: growth is not necessarily linear and she was probably just working on another skill, even one I couldn’t see (i.e., something mental or emotional). Sure enough, a few days later she started lifting her head again like it was no big deal.
4. Don’t Compare
This is a really hard one when you interact with a lot of moms and see what everyone posts in the million mom Facebook groups you’re in. Babies develop at such different paces – there is a wide range of “normal” for many milestones, and even the “average” can be a bit misleading. For example, the normal range for walking is between 9 and 18 months – so some babies could walk at literally double the age of others – and it likely wouldn’t mean a thing! But of course, when you’re one of the moms on that far end of the bell curve, it can feel pretty worrisome.
My daughter was right on track for hitting milestones at the “average” age through rolling. But then she became a serial roller and adept swiveler, and that’s how she got around for the next several months. She didn’t start army crawling until 10 months (and it was two more months before she crawled on hands and knees), didn’t get to sitting on her own until nearly a year, and didn’t walk until 15 months. She hit all of the milestones in the timeframe that the doctor said she should, but I couldn’t help but notice when our neighbor down the hall who was the same age walked at 9 months and another mom I knew was posting videos of her daughter climbing stairs and going down slides on her own by a year.
It is SO hard not to compare and worry, but the worrying is often for no reason and can detract from quality time you’re spending with your baby if it becomes too consuming. If your baby is a little late on one thing, she may be ahead of the game on something else (they often prioritize one thing over another, and it’s often physical or verbal) – and either way, most will catch up by the time they’re 3-5 years old. Your pediatrician should let you know if there’s anything to keep an eye on or get evaluated, and if they say that your baby is doing fine and there’s nothing to worry about, then it’s usually best to trust them and keep your blinders on when it comes to other kids. It may have taken my daughter 6 more months to walk than the boy down the hall, but by the time she did, she had better form and could run faster. She also developed a lot sooner verbally too – probably something she was prioritizing while saving up her energy to outrun me at the playground.
5. It’s All in the Attitude
I’ve noticed something about different types of moms. Some make it look really easy. Mom #1 has three kids under the age of four, whom she successfully brings to the grocery store at the same time, and thinks parenting is pretty fun. Others make everything sound SO HARD. Mom #2 has one kid who won’t feed well or nap and hates the carrier AND the stroller AND the car seat and spits up in his mom’s face every time she looks at him. I mean, it’s possible that Mom #1 has the easiest kids in the world and that Mom #2 has the most difficult baby that there ever has been. But it’s also possible that Mom #1 has an easy breezy attitude, where it’s ok if things get a little messy or chaotic and she sees more of the positive over the negative, and that Mom #2 gets stressed and overwhelmed easily and makes everything seem harder than it really is.
I am somewhere in the middle and can waver from one side to the other, so I can relate to both types of mom. Neither is right or wrong or good or bad, but what I personally have found is that my attitude can go a long way in framing the situation. Looking at the world through rose-colored glasses really can make everything seem rosy; and conversely, thinking that things are very difficult can lead to a self-fulfilling prophesy where everything feels like a struggle.
There are times when I have everything under control and am killing it as a mom. And there are other times when I can feel the panic rising and know that if I let myself, I will feel anxious and overwhelmed and like I can’t do something. But I have the power to stop that and remind myself that I can get through almost anything or even laugh it off if something goes awry. On our last flight when we were moving across the country, my six-month-old had a blowout all over the two of us and my three-year-old pooped in her pants (two rare occurrences that I was not expecting); then the baby cried during the entire descent (which he almost never did) and my daughter threw up all over herself and her car seat. Other than perhaps having the foresight to sit next to my three-year-old instead of my husband, since I am the expert vomit catcher, there wasn’t much to do at that point except clean everyone up, throw the soiled clothes directly into the trash, and think about the big glass of wine I was going to pour myself when we finally got to our Airbnb.
As a new mom, I was surprisingly relaxed and confident about a lot of things for someone who is pretty Type A and had zero prior experience with babies. When my daughter was only a few weeks old, I was planning weekly lunches with other new moms, staying out for hours walking around the city, breastfeeding on the fly. I’ve had a lot of moms ask me how I could manage to be about and about like that, because they could barely even manage to get dressed at that point. It certainly helped that I didn’t have a colicky baby, but I think that a lot of the answer is just that I thought I could and so I did. And as a result, I had a really wonderful time as a new mom and viewed my baby as an easy and delightful partner in fun.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t complain or vent or feel frustrated/stressed/overwhelmed at times – that is inevitable for most of us, and I certainly have my fair share. Just that our perceptions and attitudes can influence how we view and handle certain situations. When I tell myself that something is no big deal and I’m capable of handling it, that gives me the confidence to do so and I feel good about the effect that it has on myself and those around me.
6. Something Has to Give
You know how certain moms on Facebook or Instagram can seem like they’ve got everything under control all of the time and are parenting with flying colors in every respect? I’m not just talking about Mom #1 above, but the kind of mom who looks like a professional photographer is following her around everywhere she goes. Her hair and makeup is always perfect, her children are always wearing coordinating outfits, her house always looks like a professional organizer just dropped by, and she’s baking three-layer cakes while setting up sensory activities for her baby and teaching her toddler to read. That kind of mom? Well that’s not real. Behind the scenes, I’d have to assume that something is falling apart, because no one can literally do it all. Something has to give, and that’s ok. Maybe that project to organize your closets is on the perpetual back burner, and the kids are only getting baths twice per week, and you are three years overdue on making a photo book of baby’s first year – but you had a lovely day at the beach as a family and enjoyed a relaxing glass of wine with your partner in the evening while binge-watching a new show. (Wait, that’s my life right now.)
Being a parent is kind of like being on a treadmill that is constantly running and only stops long enough to let you sleep for a few hours at night before starting up again. You have to prioritize the things that are really important and try to let go of the rest. This, of course, is easier said than done and I struggle with it too. I’m someone who wants to do it all and am a serial multitasker, but there are so many things that I’m not getting to these days or am not doing perfectly. Some nights I make delicious, healthy dinners from scratch; and other nights, I feed the kids chicken nuggets from the freezer (not even the organic kind because who wants to spend $8 on 6 nuggets) and tell my husband to fend for himself. I always want to do cool arts & crafts projects with my daughter, but other than the occasional adventure in painting rocks, I usually just end up pulling out her bin of stamps or stickers or letting her go to town on an old magazine with child scissors. If I wanted to, I could feel like a failure most of the time, thinking about all of the things that I’m not doing and all of the ways that I could be parenting better. But my kids are healthy and wonderful, and I have a great relationship with them, so I must be doing something right and I need to cut myself a break on the things that I’m not doing.
7. You’re Still You
I’ve heard moms say that they feel like they lost themselves when they had kids. It’s no wonder – suddenly, you’ve gone from only thinking about yourself to spending 24/7 keeping alive a tiny creature that is 100% dependent on you. It takes a LOT of time, energy and thought. But even if your priorities have shifted a bit for the time being and all you’ve talked about for the past hour is what your baby’s nap and poop schedule has been like lately, you’re still you! Whoever you think you are or thought you were, and wherever your interests and passions lie, it will all still be there when you have the mental and physical capacity to return to it.
I used to be a very athletic and in-shape person. I was someone who played sports and did boot camp classes and completed an Olympic-distance triathlon. I would wake up at 5:30am to swim in the San Francisco Bay in a wetsuit and freaking love it! And I have barely worked out since being pregnant the first time, more than four years ago. Chasing after a toddler and wearing a baby has to count for something, but I’m definitely in the worst shape of my life, and I’m so removed from the workout world that I don’t even miss it anymore. But I will get it back someday! I’m cutting myself slack until I finish breastfeeding this time around (T minus 34 days, not that I’m counting) and then I’ll try going for my first run in years. It will most likely be a single 12-minute mile that will leave me sore for a week, but I’ll build up slowly until it’s enjoyable, and once again exercise will be a part of my life and identity.
Being a new mom can be a lot of fun and truly wonderful, but can also have its moments and feel really difficult. So I hope that some of those Momtras resonate with you and help! I recommend chanting them 7 times over your morning coffee, while bouncing the Babybjorn with your foot, until you start to internalize them. To jump on the bandwagon of the most overused phrase of the year: “You got this, Mama.”