Introducing Big Sister/Brother to a New Baby

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Although I do not have any siblings myself, I have certainly heard about sibling rivalry and how some first-borns reject the new baby before he or she is even born. I had always wanted a brother or sister and loved the idea of a close sibling relationship, so this was something that I tried hard to cultivate from the time I was pregnant with my second.

I’m sure there’s no tried and true way that will work for every child or every family, but here are a few things that seemed to work well for mine. They’re currently 2 and 5, and – knock on wood, fingers crossed, yada yada yada – they’re really close and get along very well (aside from the occasional “That’s mine, give it back”s and “I want Mommy, no I want Mommy”s, which is to be expected since no siblings can get along perfectly all the time).

Prepare for Baby

From the time we decided to tell our daughter that there was a new baby in Mommy’s tummy, we talked a lot about it, read books, explained what life would be like with a new baby (including the realistic and not-so-delightful parts, like how babies can cry a lot), discussed what her role could be and how she could be a big helper, etc.

Books in particular are a great way to connect with young kids, as they begin to internalize what they’re hearing and they provide opportunities during intimate moments to connect, talk, bring up fears and excitements, and answer questions. Here were some favorites:

Introduce Baby with Care

When I was getting ready to have my second, I was given a piece of advice that never would have occurred to me. Have the baby in a neutral place, and not in your arms, when your older child sees the baby for the first time. If you’re holding the baby, they may feel that they’ve been displaced and their first emotions related to the baby could be jealousy, anger or sadness. Instead, have your arms free and open to hug your older child and give them 1:1 attention first, while the baby is in the bassinet.

It’s also a great idea to have a gift to give your older child “from” the baby. My daughter was 2-3/4 when my son was born and I thought she’d see right through that, but she didn’t even question it. She was simply delighted to get a gift (and maybe even think that the baby was excited about her) and it can help to form a positive association right away. I wanted to give my daughter something relevant and got her a baby doll, carrier and diaper bag so she could be like Mommy with the new baby, but the gift could really be anything you think your child would like.

We brought our daughter to the hospital to meet the baby the day after he was born. I really wanted to do it that way, because I thought it would be exciting for her, and I wanted her to be able to see me sooner since I had never spent a night away from her before. I was also hoping to have the introduction captured by the hospital photographer, which ended up working out perfectly (if they’re making their rounds, you can ask them to come back at a specific time and they’ll usually try to accommodate if they can). This was pre-COVID, so that may not be an option right now, and some people prefer to make the introduction in the comfort of their own home regardless – so I’d say choose whatever you think would make you and your older child feel the most comfortable, and whatever will be the easiest for you.

Involve Big Sister/Brother with Baby

After her baby brother came home from the hospital, I tried to involve my daughter as much as I could. She was already excited to be the “big kid” in the house and a helper with the baby. Any time there was an opportunity, even if it was something I could easily do myself, I would ask for her help – to hand Mommy a clean diaper, or get the wipes, etc. If the baby started crying, I would even ask her what she thought we should do – e.g., “Do you think he’s hungry? Should we feed him?” She would say “yes let’s feed him!” and even started coming up with the ideas herself, and it made her feel as though she was part of the decision and a help in soothing him. Involving your older child like that can also help them not to feel as though you’re immediately taking your attention away from them if the baby starts fussing. Instead, you’re pausing, involving them, and making the decision together how to help the baby.

I also highly recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (If you’re like me and don’t have time to sit down and read a book these days, try my hack of listening to it on audio while feeding the baby, taking stroller walks, or doing household chores – I’ve been able to consume so many more books that way!) A lot of the content of the book won’t come into play until your children are a little older, but it’s still great to have the perspectives discussed when introducing a new addition into your household and to start practicing what you can from the start to try to head off issues later.