Nursery Rhymes Are Creepy AF
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When my daughter was about 18 months old, I bought a cute looking book called “Read to Your Baby Every Day” with 30 nursery rhymes to read aloud to her. I could barely remember any from my childhood and wanted to jog my memory. Well, I have to say – I was horrified. Some seemed cute at first glance, but most of them turned out to be creepy AF, super dark, or just plain weird. Let’s take a look at some of them…
We all know that Little Bo Peep lost her sheep and didn’t know where to find them…but did you know that when she does find them, their tails were hanging side-by-side from a tree? Jesus! This is the stuff that nightmares are made of.
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe is fine until 10, but then verses 11-20 are all about maids. Guessing most of us have zero “servants” in our households and don’t want to be introducing outdated, politically incorrect and exploitative terms to our children.
Rub-a-Dub-Dub is about a butcher, a baker and a candlestick maker in a tub together. Uhhh…I can only think of one reason that three men would be in a tub together. We’re all for inclusive forms of love, but we can probably save discussions of orgies and polyamorous love for a slightly older age.
Old Mother Hubbard found her dog dead and went out to buy him a coffin, but then came back to find the dog laughing about it. WTF? Also, she buys the dog beer and the dog smokes a pipe, plays a flute, rides on a goat, and reads the news. She admits by the end that she is the dog’s “servant.” This sounds like an unhealthy domestic relationship.
I Saw a Ship A-Sailing features 24 mice on a boat with chains around their necks. Huh. I tried googling this in the hopes of finding some acceptable nautical explanation for the chains, but I couldn’t really find anything – good or bad. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
Even those that seem rather innocent are pretty awful…
Humpty Dumpty falls off a wall and basically dies.
In Rock-a-Bye Baby, a cradle precariously balances on a tree branch and falls when the branch breaks. (I don’t even want to think through the ending of that one.)
Ring Around the Rosie is about the bubonic plague, with the “rosie” being the rash from the plague, the “posies” in the pocket being used to hide the stench from infected pus-filled swellings and decomposing skin, and “ashes, ashes, we all fall down” representing people dying.
My Fair Lady talks about the most iconic bridge in London falling down, which would be pretty horrifying.
Three Blind Mice get their tails cut off by a carving knife. Also, they may actually be three Protestants who were executed by Queen Mary I of England. So there’s that.
This Old Man plays knick-knack paddy wack in heaven (dead?), and then on the gate and the vine (ghost haunting?). I’m also not sure why he goes rolling home each time, but it sounds pretty alarming.
This Little Piggy goes to market, and it’s probably not to buy himself something delicious to make for dinner that evening.
The Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed fall off and bump their head, probably getting concussions and warranting a trip to the ER.
And in both Jack and Jill and It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, the main characters bump/break their heads and go to sleep immediately afterward, which everyone knows is a BIG no-no. The old man “couldn’t wake up in the morning” and Jack may very well be in for the same fate.
Nursery rhymes may be considered “classic,” but I think we can probably all agree that most of these should be retired in this modern day and age, and certainly not published in print during this century or taught in any learning establishments.
So what does that leave us with? Not many, unfortunately. But sometimes it is nice to be able to say a little chant instead of singing a song, so I’ve compiled the very few that I feel comfortable saying to my child (which I will update if I later learn of dark meanings):
Star Light, Star Bright
This has got to be the best one. Meaning that not only can’t I find anything wrong with it, but it’s actually very cute and sweet, and a nice tradition to start with your little one when you see stars.
Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight;
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.
Little Miss Muffet
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds eating and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And frightened miss Muffet away.
Of course, every time I say this one, I can’t help but think of the bit by comedian Andrew Dice Clay, who replaced the last line with “And said, ‘What’s in the bowl, bitch?‘“ (You have to see it.)
Hey, Diddle Diddle
I can’t really say the word “diddle” with a straight face, but it’s a pretty silly one that my daughter enjoys.
Hey, diddle, diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon;
The little dog laughed
To see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Even though it greatly bothers me that the first verse does not rhyme, I will include this one.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck two,
And down he flew,
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck three,
And he did flee,
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
You can probably make up others to rhyme with four, five, etc., if you want to keep going.
Pat-a-Cake
I always thought this was “paddycake” until I saw it in writing. This version probably makes more sense, even though I’ve never exactly “pat” a cake while baking.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,
Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Pat it and prick it and mark it with "B"
And put it in the oven for baby and me.
Those are literally the only nursery rhymes I can think of that aren’t creepy or super weird. Do you know of any others? Add them to the comments below!