How I Sleep Trained My Baby
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This is Part II of my sleep training blogs, so if you’re reading it then you’ve either read “Why I Decided to Sleep Train My Baby” or you’ve already decided for yourself that you want to do it and are now just looking for guidance on the logistics. Or maybe you just followed a link you saw somewhere and have no idea what I’ve written about in the past and are perhaps vaguely curious about sleep training.
Just a few notes before we get started: (1) I am not a sleep specialist or medical professional, and this is not a recommendation – just a [long] recap of my own personal experience with sleep training. (2) I’m not out to convince anyone to do sleep training – it’s a personal parenting decision and to each her own! (3) Be sure to check with your pediatrician before starting sleep training, because their recommendation may vary depending on your baby’s weight and health.
Ok, so now that my husband and I had decided that we would move forward with sleep training our 4-month-old at our pediatrician’s recommendation, I had to make some decisions about how exactly we would do it. Our doc suggested a method called “timed extinction” (with “extinction” being possibly the worst word they could have chosen for sleep training), where you go in at graduated intervals to do a quick check-in, and she recommended a rip-the-bandaid-off approach where you get rid of the swaddle, pacifier, and any other sleep crutches all at once. I took some of her recommendations, combined with a little mom gut and some flair I picked up from some mom blogs, and came up with the method we used – which went surprisingly well for all of us.
Despite having made the decision to sleep train, it can still be tough to get started and there were a lot of tears the first night (mostly mine); but like many things, the anticipating was worse than the reality, and after surviving the first night, each night gets a little easier. It also really helped that I truly believed in the “why” we were doing it – because, as our pediatrician had explained, it was best for her health in the long run. I thought of it a little like vaccines: you put up with watching your baby cry and be in pain in the short-term because of the long-term health benefits; and most of us would not even question that.
Before starting, you want to make sure that you have a plan, and if you have a spouse/partner, that the two of you are on the same page, because consistency is KEY. If you’re planning to play things by ear or you each have distinct ideas of how long to let the baby cry, what to do when you go in the room, whether to give a pacifier, etc., it won’t work very well and likely will take a lot longer with more total crying involved. Remember learning about unpredictable rewards in Psych 101? If not, here’s an example: if you occasionally give your dog scraps under the dinner table, you can bet that your dog will be sitting there every night waiting for the food; because even if you haven’t done it in a week, the dog remembers that time that he DID get the chicken and will wait just in case another piece of chicken shows up. Sleep training is like that – if you sometimes follow it but then sometimes decide you’ll just go pick up the baby and feed or rock her, she’ll keep crying the next time (even longer if she has to) until she gets the “reward” again. Babies are smart! And they are also resilient and fine and will have forgotten about any crying by morning, so don’t worry – we project a lot of our own feelings and things we think they might be feeling onto the baby at this age.
Things to decide beforehand (and agree on with your spouse/partner):
Whether you'll keep using any kind of swaddle. We decided to keep using the Magic Merlin since she was sleeping well in it, still had a bad startle reflex, and had started to roll a little on her play mat but often got stuck, so I thought it would be better to keep the Merlin until she's better at getting herself un-stuck on her own (something we practiced a lot during the day with tummy time). We took it off around 5.5-6 months, when she could comfortably roll on the play mat in both directions, and with our good sleep training foundation, it only took a night of adjustment before she was sleeping through the night again.
Whether you’ll keep a pacifier. My daughter never took one so this was a non-issue for us. Hypothetically, without knowing the magic of a pacifier, I think I would take this opportunity to ditch it so it didn’t mess up the sleep training (you don’t want to have to keep going in during the night to put it back in) and so that I didn’t have to phase it out later at a much harder age.
What your bedtime routine will be, which you will keep consistent every night. Ours was: bring her into her bedroom, close the shades, change diaper, turn on white noise machine, breastfeed, read The Going to Bed Book by Sandra Boynton in a calm voice, put on the Magic Merlin, say the reassuring phrase with hand on her chest, leave the room. Also come up with a nap routine at this time. I didn’t want to have to nurse her to fall asleep for naps, so I did that after she wakes up instead, assuming it had been about 3 hours since the last feeding; then when it was time to put her down for a nap, one of us would bring her into her room, close the shades, turn on the white noise machine, read the same book each time while letting her hold her lovey (I chose Forever by Emma Dodd for naps – it's cute and short), put her in the Merlin, say the phrase with hand on chest, leave the room.
What counts as crying. We agreed that it would include consistent vocalization that sounded upset, in addition to full-on crying. The occasional angry squawk or light fussing would not count.
What your check-in phrase will be. (e used: "It's time to go to sleep now, Maisie. We'll be right here when you wake up. We love you so much."
Whether you will feed at all overnight. Our doctor had said that based on our daughter’s age, health and weight, she should be able to go 10-12 hours overnight without eating, but that I could keep one overnight feeding at that age if i wanted to and phase it out by 6 months. I decided to keep the one, but it was more for me than for her since it made me feel better to be able to go check on her in the night. (Note: if we’re in the same boat with baby #2, I would be comfortable ditching the overnight feeding at that point and enjoying a full night of sleep.)
If you decide to feed, when you will do it. I decided that if she woke up before 1am, we would have my husband do the check-in so she wouldn’t smell milk and want mommy. But after 1am, I'd feed her if she woke up. Then if she woke up again before she'd been in bed for a total of at least 10 hours, my husband would do the check-in again. I was aiming to feed her around 2-3am.
Who will do which check-ins. If you're breastfeeding, during the night for any wake-ups that you don’t want to feed for, it's best to have your husband/partner do it if you have one, so they don't smell you, since that’s often just a comfort thing rather than actual hunger.
What time you'll let the baby get up for the day. Our doc had said babies should be getting 10-12 hours overnight at that age, so as long as it had been at least 10 hours and was 6am or later, one of us would get up with her – but not before 6am.
For naps, when you’ll let the baby get up if he/she is not sleeping. Our doc had said that if she didn’t fall asleep within an hour, abandon the training and just do what you have to do to get them to sleep - e.g., rocking. We also decided that if she woke up after 30 minutes crying, we’d start the check-ins to try to get her to sleep longer, just like at night, aiming for a nap of at least an hour; but that if she woke up after 30 minutes happy, maybe that was all she needed at that time, so we’d give her a few minutes to see if she fell back asleep but then get her up if she didn’t.
Whether you will use a baby monitor throughout all of this. Some people prefer not using one because they’re afraid that they’ll jump at every little noise and will hear any big crying through the walls (this probably only applies to NYC living). I wanted to keep mine on with the sound on, because I was nervous about the baby being in her own room. And I realized later that it was actually very helpful to be able to see the baby on the monitor, because I could make sure that she was ok if she was crying – i.e., hadn’t gotten a leg stuck in the crib or rolled over or pooped all over the mattress or anything fun like that.
Our plan for the actual sleep training:
Do the same bedtime and nap routine every time.
Put the baby down awake but drowsy, aiming for a bedtime at this age between 7 and 8pm.
Say a reassuring phrase in a positive, calm voice with your hand on the baby’s chest.
Leave the room.
Watch anxiously on the monitor. If there is crying, do a check-in after 1 minute – say the phrase with hand on chest, but do not pick the baby up or do anything else, then leave the room. (You may even want to avoid eye contact if the baby is locking in and it’s tugging at your resilience.)
If the crying continues, go in after 2 minutes and do the same thing. Then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 20 minutes, then hold the 20-minute intervals if necessary. (Likely it won't even take that long if you’re doing it before 6 months, so don't get too freaked out ahead of time about that much crying.)
If the crying stops at any point for what you’d consider a significant enough length of time, reset the timer for that interval.
If the crying is your own, do not go in to check and just binge eat Trader Joe’s chocolate peanut butter cups instead.
Do the same check-ins for any middle-of-the-night wake-ups that you don’t want to feed for, as well as for all naps happening at home, with naps following the first night of sleep training. The second night/day, start at the next interval (i.e., 2 minutes, then do 5, 10, 20, etc.). The third night/day, start at the next interval (i.e., 5 minutes, then 10, 20, etc.). And remember, the most important thing is to be consistent – if you pick the baby up at any point, it lets them know that crying will eventually get them something and you’ll have to start all over.
How things went for us:
Night 1: We had had a good bedtime routine in place for a while before starting sleep training, and she normally would fall asleep in her own no problem. But she had been waking up at least twice in the night the past month. The first night we started sleep training, she woke up unusually early just 2 hours after we’d put her to bed at 9:45pm. We had my husband go in and check her diaper just to make sure she hadn’t pooped. Other than that, we felt confident enough that nothing else was wrong, since she was dry and well-fed, and we hadn’t noticed anything unusual on the monitor. He said our little phrase and left, and had to go back in two more times (after 2 minutes and 5 minutes). Then she fell asleep about 4 minutes into the 10-minute interval. It was hard for both of us to hear her crying, but it was only about 12 minutes total of crying and she was ok. The same thing happened at 11:45pm. Then she slept until 2:45am when I fed her. Then back to sleep until 6am. Woke up laughing and with a giant smile on her face, just as happy to see us as ever.
Night 2: The second night, she slept straight through from bedtime until 3am, when I fed her, then back to sleep until 6am.
Night 3: She woke up at 12:45am and my husband did one check-in (we started at 5 minutes since it was the third night), but didn’t even need to go back in a second time.
Night 4: Any time she stirred, she put herself back to sleep. I went in to feed her at 2am when she seemed to be heavily stirring, even though she didn’t even cry and I probably could have waited it out to see if she would have fallen back asleep.
For naps, around 3 months she had started crying when we put her down for any nap and we would rock her until she fell asleep or was super drowsy, then put her in the crib. Sometimes she would wake up after just 30 minutes crying, which indicated that she hadn’t slept enough, but we wouldn’t be able to get her back to sleep so we’d get her up. For the nap sleep training, a friend who’d used a sleep consultant recommended staying at home the first few days for all naps so you can keep things consistent and they can learn how to fall asleep at home in the crib. After that, you can return to being out and about and getting some naps in the stroller or carrier.
Day 1: For the first nap of the day, my husband put her down and went in after 1 minute; she fell asleep 1 minute into the 2-minute interval. For the second two naps that day, I put her down and she fell asleep after fussing for under a minute. The last nap of the day was a disaster, but that one is always the hardest and she may have also gotten too riled up right beforehand because my husband had just gotten home and she got very excited. She cried on and off for about 45 minutes (falling asleep for only about 5 minutes in there), and eventually we just got her up because it was almost 6pm. I started the bedtime routine a little earlier that night to make up for it.
Day 2: She fell asleep on her own with no crying for every single nap. The first nap was 2.5 hours, second one was 1.5 hours, and third was 45 minutes (she only needed three that day because the first two were so long).
Day 3: She continued to fall asleep on her own for each nap. I had her take her last nap of the day in the carrier, since we were out for happy hour (we both deserved it!).
I had thought naps were going to be harder than overnight sleep, but it was amazing how quickly she learned to fall asleep on her own, and it was a relief not to have to rock her each time for like 15-20 minutes. And after doing sleep training, even if she ever woke up after her 30-minute sleep cycle, she wouldn’t cry but would just put herself back to sleep to get a good long nap in, waking up rested and happy.
We were very glad that we did sleep training and fully believe in the health benefits of it – for both baby/child and the parents. Now that our daughter is a toddler and has rarely ever had a regression or had her sleep affected by colds, teething, etc., we are even more happy we did it because we are hopeful that it helped her learn lasting sleep skills. Even if they do ever have a regression or their sleep is messed up by travel, it’s easy to get back on track once you have a solid sleep foundation and experience of sleep training. What a friend told me when we were considering it, “You never hear of anyone regretting doing sleep training,” is so true.
So, to all the parents out there getting ready to sleep train – may your baby take to it as quickly as ours did, and may you enjoy getting your nights back.
Addendum: Sleep Training #2
With our second, who was born almost 3 years after our first, we thought it would be a piece of cake to sleep train. Well it turns out that it’s still hard to hear your baby cry…but at least after sleep training our daughter, we already knew that we firmly believed in it and were confident that it would have positive outcomes for the baby and for us.
At first, it seem like we may not even have to do it, since our son was miraculously sleeping through the night by 6-8 weeks of age. But at almost exactly 4 months, he woke up every 2 hours over the course of one night. And then again the next night. So on the third night, we moved him into his own room and sleep trained. This time we decided to make it easier on all of us and do straight CIO with all sleep crutches removed. So we put him into his full-sized crib, took him out of the Magic Merlin and used a regular sleep sack instead, and dropped all night feedings. Like our daughter, he never took a pacifier, so we didn’t have to worry about that one. After one night of crying for 20-30 minutes a couple of times, he was back to sleeping through the night on the second night.
Having done it twice now, I’d say that the method I detailed above that we used for our daughter was easier on us as first-time parents, but the straight CIO method was much easier and faster overall and took out any guessing, subjectivity, made-up rules, or phasing out of various sleep crutches. So if you feel comfortable doing it and your pediatrician approves it, you will all likely be enjoying good nights of sleep very soon!
Disclaimer: I am not a sleep specialist or medical professional, nor am I trying to convince anyone to do sleep training; these are just my personal experiences and personal thoughts. Be sure to check with your pediatrician before starting sleep training, since their recommendations may vary based on your baby’s health and weight.