Why I Decided to Sleep Train My Baby
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If you haven’t already learned this the hard way (e.g., by posting an innocent question about it in a large Facebook group only to get completely crucified), sleep training is one of the most controversial baby topics out there. Mention it in any forum and you’re likely to get a variety of responses and looks – from people who fully support it and will get up on a soap box to tell you all about how great it is and why you should definitely do it, to people who will get up on THEIR soap box to tell you why it’s cruel/heartbreaking and that it can cause psychological damage. (Don’t worry: this is not actually true, but it sure sounds scary.)
Before my baby was born, my only experience with or knowledge of sleep training was my mom telling me with a sense of pride, “I never let you cry; I always went to you right away.” I thought, Well of course I’d never let my baby cry either…what am I, a monster?!
After my baby was born, I started to hear a little more about this whole sleep training thing. One close friend whose daughter was three months older than mine did it very early at their pediatrician’s recommendation and told me that it literally changed their lives and saved their marriage. Hmm, ok, that was a strong endorsement. I thought I should probably learn more about it. I bought the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth and planned to read it by the time my daughter was 6 months old – the time I thought we’d start considering sleep training.
So I was fully unprepared when, at our 4-month well visit, our pediatrician asked, “Do you have the option to move the baby into her own room?” I was like, “Yes, why?” And especially when she said, “Do it now and sleep train.” Uhhh, say what and what?!? I didn’t think we’d even be thinking about either of these things for another two months. I felt immediately nervous and unsure about the whole thing, but we really liked this pediatrician and trusted her recommendations, and she made some good points that resonated with us:
As long as you’re meeting the baby’s needs during the day and showing it at least some love, the baby won't feel abandoned by letting them cry; they only feel abandoned if they're neglected during the day when they're awake.
Just like we might be more irritable or less able to concentrate if we're not getting a good night's sleep, it can also affect a baby's ability to learn new skills – so getting better sleep as a result of sleep training is really better for the baby (and as an added bonus, healthier for us too, allowing us to be better parents).
It's best to do it before six months, when the baby learns the concept of object permanence and can start to develop separation anxiety.
That night, after giving our daughter a dose of Infant Tylenol to calm her fussiness after her four-month vaccinations, she slept her first eight-hour stretch and we woke up like new people. We hadn’t even thought we were all that sleep-deprived until we got that one solid night’s sleep. My parents were visiting at the time, and my husband said, “As soon as they leave, we’re doing it.”
I spent the next few days trying to cram research, speed-read Marc Weissbluth’s book, and talk to as many friends as possible. I even posted the question on my Facebook page to see what kind of responses I got and from whom – bracing myself a little, because I’d realized by then how controversial of a topic it was. I quickly learned just how many people do sleep training and, in particular, how many of my smart, well-educated and like-minded friends did it. It’s not necessarily the kind of information people volunteer (maybe because of the controversies or maybe just because they figure practically everyone does it and so there’s no need to say that you’ve done it – like one friend in Ohio who told me she assumed it was a given since literally everyone she knew did it), so I was pleasantly surprised to get so many positive endorsements for it and was reassured to hear the parents of slightly older kids confirm that their kids were happy, healthy, and independent. Most of the comments from the naysayers or stories from people who hadn’t done it for one reason or another actually made me want to do it more, because many of them still had bad sleepers, very dependent kids, or kids who wouldn’t sleep in their own beds (gah!). All anecdotal, of course. Some kids are just good sleepers and don’t need any formal sleep training; and some parents decide it’s not for them and go about sleep in a different way. To each his/her own! One of the fun (and slightly overwhelming) things about parenting is that we are all entitled to do things the way we feel is best. (Except when it comes to vaccinations, in which case everyone should just do it barring any health issues; end of story.)
Two of the comments that I found the most helpful from friends were:
“Don't let the ‘I could never let my baby cry it out moms’ freak you out.” (<— It can definitely be hard to block out some of the scary claims people make, even if they aren’t actually based in fact or evidence.)
“You never hear of anyone regretting doing sleep training.” (<— So true! But I had definitely heard the other way around.)
Our daughter was a decent sleeper, but she was still waking up 2-3 times per night at four months old, which our doctor said was at least two times too many. She did say that I could keep one overnight feeding if I wanted to at that age, even though the baby was a very good weight, and I decided to do that, mostly because I was incredibly nervous about moving her to her own room and wanted to be able to check up on her. (Side note: now that I’ve been through it all and am comfortable with it, I would probably not do that with a second kid.) When I expressed my irrational fear of SIDS to our pediatrician, she asked me if I walked down the street with her, because we had a much greater chance of getting hit by a car than of her dying of SIDS when we were following all of the safe sleep practices and she was a healthy, full-term baby. I liked this doctor.
By the time my parents left, I had sufficiently cram-researched and felt comfortable about moving forward with sleep training and as ready as a mom could be. (Which meant ready to cry the first night, while restraining myself from running to her.) (Which meant allowing my husband to restrain me while I stress-ate Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups.)
Want to know what method we used and what the results were? Check out Part II: “How I Sleep Trained My Baby”
Disclaimer: I am not a sleep specialist or medical professional, nor am I trying to convince anyone to do sleep training; these are just my personal experiences and personal thoughts. Be sure to check with your pediatrician before starting sleep training, since their recommendations may vary based on your baby’s health and weight.